SEO Jokes to Get Us Through Core Updates

While Google is busy dealing with unplanned obsolescence, SEOs are forced to retire and move to the next lesser profitable content creation industry: COMEDY.

It started as a practical joke, but when SEO pranksters realized that people actually believed that SEO was a job (what a gullible crowd), they pushed the joke further. One fake news after the other, they’ve tried to convince people that SEO was not a job, but a person, and that it was now dead.

This post will not really be funny at all (nor contain any jokes). It is only stupid and offensive. Be aware.

It is mostly written for the fun of adding a ton of inaccurate facts to my website, while adding a clickbait title that targets keywords with the wrong search intent. I also wanted to make sure that I had a few profanity blacklisted words on my blog to f**king offend Googlebot as much as possible.

I reality, I never swear (only in french… all the time).

This story all started when a spoiled little brat started whining about becoming a has-been, after being kind of big in something that no-one cares about.

While people were very supportive about me being a drama gender-neutral queen/king, search relations team were more practical.

It took me some time to provide a GOOD ANSWER to John Mueller, because they are all on PAGE 3 nowadays.

While searching for the good answer, I had to browse through the entire web.

After reading through all the websites, all the webpages, all the ChatGPT prompts, I couldn’t overcome Aleyda Solis’ tweets and retweets.

After reading all of Google patents, I started getting headaches trying to understand Koray Gubur’s sheer depth of knowledge and inventions of words. No Koray, information retrieval and microsemantics are not words, they’re cat names.

I realized something there though.

Call me anthropomorphist, but some websites carry some human-like features, emotions and preferred activities.

Google is a scrap-booking grandma in love with Taylor Swift.

While Reddit is a horny teenager lying in a brothel.

Some website also like to take vacations, travel and challenge themselves to adventurous, yet potentially dangerous situations. For instance, Johnmu.com always dreamt to visiting the dark web and finally managed to go through with it.

It was not a good vacation. He did not come back as his cheery uplifting self but with a somber brown-socks-wearing dull name on X. He even moved to a new fantasy land. (just know that you are loved John).

OK, enough with that.

I told you that SEO is not a real job. I stand by it.

Any job that did not exist when your parents were born is not a real job, it’s a hobby.

When I told my mom I wanted to be an SEO, I was 15 years old. She asked me what kind of job this was. It told her that anytime someone searched for something on Altavista, Yahoo! or Google, an SEO had to go through all the websites, sort the results and same the results to a file, this way we can do this work only for NEW queries and serve the same search results again for the queries that we already had worked on. And this is why, Mom, that I watch so much porn.

Now that the back story is set, Brian Dean tells me in a SEMRush sponsored article that I need a BUCKET BRIGADE.

Bucket brigades are soldiers that will beat you up if you bounce from my page without reading it through the end.

Ok, I promised you SEO jokes, and I delayed the answer with SEO content enough.

Now, I need to write good helpful AI-generated content to optimize for the failed HCU and Core Updates. But before I do so, go easy on Google. You know, Google is only human, you can’t make good algorithm updates, play Monopoly, AND find new clever names for Google My Business and Google Data Studio at the same time. (“Bank Error in Your Favor: Collect $200”).

Speaking of names did you notice how Google uses the algorithms’ names to give us hints about what we have fix on our website when we were penalized by an update?

It is true, here is what they :

1. Helpful Content Update – To fix your rank loss, simply remove all helpful content on your website
2. Spam Update – To remove the algorithmic penalty, just add spam to your website
3. Core update – Just hit the gym and work on your Core, you won’t improve ranks but you’ll have a fantastic beach body
4. Product Review Update – Go on G2 Crowd and write good reviews about Google Products, you’ll get better rankings
5. Penguin Algorithm Update – Just write about penguins, you’ll be fine.
6. Mobilegeddon – What, you never watched Armageddon?

OK, here are my SEO jokes, right after my next annoying Ad.

SEO Joke:

What does SGE, Google+ and Google Buzz have in common?

… They’re all good products.

Yet another SEO Joke:

Google is like a Book. I never managed to read past Page 3.

SEO Riddle:

You are like the lemmatized version of this URL’s slug.

You’re an _____________.

SEO Insult:

You are like People Also Ask questions on Google search, nobody likes you.

AHAHAH! Pfewwwww! That was very clever AND good, wasn’t it? Pure comedy right there.

SEO Tips to Keep Google Away

Let me keep up with more non-satisfying-unrelated-to-the-search-query-and-title content. Here are some SEO tips.

SEOs are struggling to make sure that Google does not crawl, index or serve content in search results. Google is a stubborn SOB, if you put a robots.txt, It will not crawl, but it will index, though blocked by robots.txt. If you add a noindex meta-tag, it will crawl your page like spiders in your bed at night.

Let me give you a live example with real tips on how to make sure Google does not crawl, index or serve content in its search results:

First and foremost, I will add good human-written content on my page, that will keep Google at bay.

Next, I will write about anything that Google can make money on: Hotels, Flights, Jobs, Shopping. That way even if Google indexes my content and rank me #1, it will be buried 20 scrolls down, right below its own helpful features.

But to make sure, I will trigger soft 404s by talking about how this “Page Not Found”, “Product no longer available, “No matching search results”, “this product is out of stock”, “We couldn’t find any jobs that matched your search”, “Sorry, there are no Hotels available”.

To seal the deal, if you really don’t want to be indexed, add some of the words from Google blacklisted words. The initial version of this post had so many of them that Google, LinkedIn, Twitter and Facebook all decided to prevent this seriously wrong post from reaching your beautiful eyes.

Most of my LinkedIn posts reach 1000 impressions in the first day. This one really shows how good it is 🙂

After I reposted the not-as-fun article without the all the juicy blacklisted words, LinkedIn decided to show the article.

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Disclaimer

If people reading this post have not realized yet that this article is just meant for comedy, let me straight up the politically correct thing to do before going on. If you are not the kind to be offended by these kinds of things, just skip up that part.

This article is for FUN. I do understand that SEO is a real livelihood, that people and companies are going through hard times now. Just trying to lighten the mood here.

I know that people working in SEO, Google search engineers (and search relations team members) are good people that work hard to make the web better while doing what they are paid to do. Businesses like Google are still businesses trying to make profits, improve their products and pay their employees (which is a good thing).

I totally agree with Barry Schwartz on this post on X and believe we should be kinder to one another.

This is why none of these post are a meant as a personal attack to anyone, nor any company, they really are only meant for fun. I only joke about people that I throughly respect and will be happy to take down anything that one may find offensive.

End of disclaimer

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Sorry everyone.